Enabling or Helping: Understanding the Difference AIS

Whether it’s bailing them out of jail, telling lies to cover for them, or giving them money to pay their bills, helping an addict avoid consequences for the behavior furthers that behavior. Bringing meals to your friend who is ill or who just had a baby is helping them. Driving a friend to the airport or giving them a ride to work when their car is in the shop is helping them out. Letting an adult (even if it’s your grown child) live in your spare bedroom without contributing to the household in any way is enabling.

• Comprehending the instinctual responses and responsibilities that precipitate enabling behaviors is key to transitioning from enabling to helping.
• One evening, I told my husband I wouldn’t be cooking until he did the dishes.
• The difference is that enabling takes helping to an extreme.
• At the same time, he began looking more seriously for a job.

Enabling can look like helping, but it ends up being the opposite. If someone has mental health issues or a drug problem, an enabler will allow them to continue engaging in destructive behavior or habits. Boundaries should be re-evaluated and adjusted according to changing circumstances, ensuring they align with self-care goals and are effective in breaking any patterns of codependency or enabling. It’s also vital to listen to and respect others’ boundaries, and establish compromises when necessary, avoiding unhealthy rigid or overly porous boundaries that can lead to strained relationships. “They’re just going through a tough time” or “It’s not their fault” might feel supportive, but these narratives ultimately prevent personal accountability. Every excuse becomes another layer of protection around destructive behavior.

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She noted that support often means showing up and sitting with the mess of someone’s emotions as they navigate challenges in life. You may want to try to control their behaviors or help by giving money and bailing them out of trouble. The study further demonstrates how having strong bonds with others encourages and supports a person’s quality of life. At the same time, he began looking more seriously for a job. After three weeks, he found a part-time job as a software developer. Going to work again and interacting with colleagues helped him feel engaged and useful.

Support vs Enabling: How to Know If You’re Really Helping

It sounds harsh, but think of what will happen if you let people live off of you indefinitely. The pattern is seen in close relationships where one individual supports a problematic or harmful behavior of another. Since the person is receiving help instead of being held accountable or facing consequences, they will continue their destructive behavior. Helping a person in active addiction means supporting their basic needs, such as food, water, shelter, and clothing. If you recognize any of the patterns above, it’s time to stop the enabling behavior gently.

Making Excuses

When you sense you have been enabling a person, you have to be firm with them and break the tie. I know it sounds harsh, but a hungry stomach motivates people in ways that they’re not motivated otherwise. Naturally, those who are disabled and are not able to work are in a different category. For a variety of reasons, they’ve reached a state helping vs enabling (or born into such) that they cannot work in a tradition job and justly qualify for benefits.

When you show support, you have establish healthy boundaries and be honest ― ideally without being judgmental. It’s about promoting the other person’s growth and development by allowing them to learn from their own mistakes and failures. From afar, these types of behaviors may appear supportive, but enabling behaviors serve to contribute to and reinforce problematic behaviors. If you love someone with a mental health condition or substance use disorder, you may feel as though you’re doing everything in your power to help them, but it’s just not working.

Setting Effective Boundaries

You might be tempted to think that enabling is the right course of action, maybe even the kinder course of action, but it’s not. Because they’re so stuck in their own denial, precontemplators need help from others to change. They need people around them who see the truth of the situation and mirror that to them. Many of us (myself included) think we are helping when we’re actually enabling. Enabling, though it might sound good, means that the things we are doing or saying to someone are backfiring.

Your “no” is to help them recover instead of enabling them to destroy their lives and those of the people they love. Refusing to enable might be considered tough love, but it’s also a form of self-care. Comprehending the instinctual responses and responsibilities that precipitate enabling behaviors is key to transitioning from enabling to helping. This requires a shift in mindset and a commitment to change.

Traditionally, families have been advised to wait for the individual to hit “rock bottom” before seeking treatment for substance use disorders. Waiting for addiction to worsen before seeking help can be detrimental, analogous to waiting until stage 4 to treat cancer. Early treatment initiation is key to improving outcomes and preventing further deterioration of the disease. Enabling often stems from a place of concern and love, but it can inadvertently perpetuate the cycle of addiction.

There’s a fine line between helping and enabling; it can sometimes be difficult to know which side of the line you’re on. You have to pay close attention to understand if your well-intentioned behavior supports or harms your loved one’s chances of recovery. If you’re living with or care about an adult facing addiction, the Springboard Center’s Family Program is here for you, offering a path to healing and resilience for family members. This program empowers families to become a positive support system, all while encouraging and reinforcing the importance of setting healthy boundaries.

She offered some questions that can be helpful to ask yourself if you think your support might’ve crossed over into enabling territory. One is if there’s part of you that’s starting to resent your loved one because you’re constantly putting their needs above your own. There’s a fine line between supporting and enabling, but understanding the difference can ensure you truly help those you care about. When you’re not sure if you’re doing the best thing or what to do next, try coming back to the concept of boundaries. Enabling behaviors lack boundaries and perpetuate the problem.

Waiting for addiction to worsen may lead to further deterioration of health and well-being, emphasizing the importance of early intervention for better recovery prospects 4. If this is you, there’s a more productive way to offer help. Give assistance by getting your child into a drug or alcohol rehab.

Another example is where a mother continues to financially support an adult child because she feels divorcing adversely affected the child’s academic performance and ability to find employment. Today, I’ll explain the difference between helping vs enabling and give examples. I’ll also discuss some of the consequences of enabling someone and provide tips on how to stop this behavior. Delawalla similarly advised considering whose narrative you’re supporting and whether showing “support” requires you to compromise your own morals, well-being and/or relationships.

• Some people choose to ignore the poor behavior of others in order to keep the peace.
• It is also essential to educate yourself on addiction and the proper ways to support your loved one.
• It may be helpful to express honest concerns in a direct manner or to answer questions honestly when safe to do so.
• Boundaries should be re-evaluated and adjusted according to changing circumstances, ensuring they align with self-care goals and are effective in breaking any patterns of codependency or enabling.
• This might involve helping someone develop job skills, connecting them with educational resources, or supporting their participation in recovery programs that teach life management skills.

Helping loved ones is for more than just the benefit of those receiving aid. Overwhelming evidence suggests assisting others is a great way to help. You can offer advice, prepare a meal, lend a hand, or simply listen. Helping is undoubtedly positive, but it can sometimes lead to enabling. One needs to understand the difference between support vs. enabling to be able to set proper and healthy boundaries. Paying for rent, covering bills, or providing unlimited financial support might seem compassionate, but it often removes the motivation for change.

Shania’s attempts to support Louis end up being more enabling than helpful. They reinforce his overreliance on her and underreliance on himself. He starts thinking he’s not capable of solving his own problems. Become familiar with the different treatment options in your area.

However, you cannot expect improvement without looking after yourself and learning how to provide proper support. You don’t want to have a conflict, you are enabling the behavior. Unfortunately, the disease of addiction will likely make this conversation even more complicated than you thought.

Unless the addict faces the consequences of his or her actions, they will never know how bad their problem is and, therefore, will never be motivated to fix it. Saying “no” to a loved one can be hard, especially if you’re worried about the consequences. Giving a firm “no” can be the spark that empowers them to take positive action.